I feel very… dark. I mean, I feel like writing about gut-wrenchingly depressing and dark things. Sometimes I start writing them, but when I re-read them it all seems so childish and shallow. It’s hard to put the exact thoughts and feelings in my mind into words.
I feel trapped and unable to express myself. And then that fuels the dark thoughts more and on goes the whole vicious cycle.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling depressed about my life or feeling suicidal or anything! I feel depressed about all humanity. I feel like writing about stupid wars and innocent people dying in them. But the words always fall short and I end up cursing myself.
I should’ve stuck to writing in Sinhala. I haven’t written in Sinhala in ages, and I’m terribly out of practice. So now, whenever I write in Sinhala it all comes out as an awkward mess.
I feel much more comfortable with English. I think my English skills are quite good, but being a writer and being able to express your feelings through your own words… that’s a whole other realm and I think I’m very far from that place.
Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s because Sinhala is my mother-tongue, but I’ve always felt that Sinhala is more “effective” than English when it comes to “serious” literature. (No offense to English speakers!) I feel like there are too many words in English that are just “there” to make things grammatically correct, but all those meaningless words reduce the effect of the truly important words. Somehow I feel that Sinhala words have a more weight to them. I feel a much greater impact when I read the Sinhala translation of a book sometimes, than when I read the English (often original) versions.
But Sinhala (I feel) has its own set of drawbacks (no offence to Sinhala speakers! සමාවෙන්න! 
). When it comes to comedy, I feel English is much more stronger and effective. For some reason. And then Sinhala has the whole written form/ spoken form dichotomy and the grammar is a bit nasty if you want to write something formal (although I must say—once you learn the grammar, using it isn’t complicated like it is in English. Gosh, English sentences can end up so complicated—another reason why English becomes less effective in “serious” literature). I’ve forgotten most of my basic Sinhala “writing” grammar, and so when I write in Sinhala I write in a weird “writing/ speaking hybrid” (so to speak) and it comes out more awkward than ever.
Now all this is just jabbering, and I’ve got no evidence to prove any of this. Just telling how I feel. Killing my time. Usual stuff.
I’ll be heading off to Australia next week. Don’t know how the internet connection’s going to be over there. (well I know it’s very bad!) So I won’t be writing frequently until September. But then I haven’t really written in this blog in the past couple of months so I guess it won’t make a difference.
I’ve started reading more “serious” literature as well. I’ve just about finished the first quarter of Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment. (More fuel for dark thoughts! Hooray!) I find the book fascinating. [spoiler, highlight to read!] I just couldn’t wait till Roskolnikov murdered Alyona Ivanova, though, does that make me a bad person? I hope not!
Oh, and I can’t wait to get my hands on A Dance With Dragons! July 12th, come soon! 
Alright, I’m feeling sleepy. This will have to do for now.
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